Summer Solstice

Balance.

It’s all about balance.

At least, that’s what the motivational speakers, gurus, and even her own therapist told Amanda.

Night and Day

Work and Play.

Summer and Winter.

Good…and evil.

            Amanda just needed to find that point of balance. In her mind’s eye, Amanda envisioned a set of ornately crafted, old-fashioned brass scales. On one side, a lead weight dropped – the impossible demands of her job and an impending promotion. The pan tipped nearly to the ground. Another weight fell on the other side – her responsibility to her widowed mother with Alzheimer’s.  Were the scales now even? No. Not quite. A phantom hand swept the pans clear. They teetered back and forth for a few moments until settling into equilibrium once more. Another weight descended. That unexpected windfall from her Uncle Percival and with it the dream of a Jamaican vacation. No sooner had the lead touched the pan than another descended on the opposite pan – the leaking roof overhead and the leaking water heater in the cellar below. Balance? Not even close. Again, the scales were swept clean.  Dropping with a force so strong it dented the pan – Amanda’s passionate love for Jonathan. Just as fast, and with even more force, the just discovered knowledge of his gambling addiction and string of affairs. Under that weight, the scales crumbled to dust.

            Just as Amanda’s vision dissipated, so was her reverie broken by a smattering of raindrops. She opened her eyes to look skyward through the canopy of birch and spruce to a roiling tumble of clouds. Where had the sun gone? It had been so bright and hot Amanda had sought shelter and shade amid the trees surrounding her rented, four-room cabin. The forecast had been for hot, fair weather all week.  Emerging from the forest overhang, Amanda was drenched by pellets of hail and a stinging downpour before she reached the cabin porch twenty yards away. Shivering, she leaned against the door. “How appropriate,” she thought. Just one more thing off balance – fair weather and storm.

            A week at an isolated cabin in the woods had been her therapist’s idea. Dr. Rogers had said some time alone, some time away from daily stressors would help Amanda find balance. Ironic that this day happened to be summer solstice – the longest day of the year. Tomorrow, the darkness would begin its victory dance, cumulating in the days Amanda would needs rise before the sun and make her way home from work beneath the orange glare of streetlights. Indeed, on this day, the tipping point of the year, the dark was winning – just as the darknesses – responsibilities, financial difficulties, and heartbreak – were winning in Amanda’s life.

            A crack of thunder so close it vibrated the boards beneath her feet startled Amanda sand she sought the shelter of the cabin’s interior. It was dark here, too. No electricity. No running water, no cell phone service – the place was truly rustic. Amanda lit two of the oil lamps in the tiny living room. She carried one into the equally small kitchen. The coals in the green and cream iron cookstove were still hot so she added more wood and set a kettle on to boil. Amazing how much time it took for the water to boil when Amanda could accomplish the same thing with her microwave oven in less than two minutes. While the water was heating, she found a towel in the closet in the bedroom, dried off, and changed to warmer clothes. Finally, the kettle whistled and Amanda made a cup of tea.

            The storm continued to rage as Amanda settled at the oilcloth covered table with her steaming mug. She stared at the small backpack on the table. Time passed as the liquid in the cup between her hands cooled and storm darkness gave way to twilight. Amanda continued to sit, her mind as blank as her eyes.

            Outside, the wind howled and shook the cabin. With one last, shuddering roar of thunder, the storm departed. The thunderclap roused Amanda from her stupor. She took a sip of her cold tea, grimaced, and rose to toss the bitter infusion out the front door. Then she shook out the contents of the backpack and there it was – the solution to her personal darkness – a full bottle of digoxin. Her mother’s physician had taken her off the medication but not before Amanda had gotten a refill. Digoxin – digitalis – the poison produced by the leaves of the enchanting, flowering foxglove. In medicinal doses, it strengthened the heart muscle and slowed a too fast heartbeat. More than that, and it slowed the heart until it stopped. Just like going to sleep, Amanda had heard. She uncapped the bottle. All her darkness – the demands of job and family, finances, betrayal – would be swallowed up in one great, unfeeling darkness. Her boss could find another employee. Her mother would go to a nursing home and be cared for. And Jonathan? Well Jonathan was welcome to whatever hell his life would devolve into. Water. Amanda needed water. She picked up the teakettle. Empty. Frustrated at being thwarted, she slammed the kettle down. Then picked it up again and went outside to the pitcher pump. Up and down. Up and down. It seemed to take forever for the water to gush forth. As she stood there pumping, the clouds parted and the crescent moon cast a beam of light on pump handle, on her hand.

            Amanda looked up. Partnering with the sliver of moon, the Milky Way blazed forth in the rift between the departing clouds. She stilled. A light breeze carried the perfume of spruce and cedar. Moonlight and starlight glimmered on the bedewed grass. A hooting owl broke the stillness for a moment then all was quiet again. In the quietness a question arose in Amanda’s mind. No. Not a question. A voice. “What are you doing, Amanda? What are you doing?”

            Stunned, Amanda’s mouth went dry. She bowed her head and fell to her knees. Then she lifted her face to the sky and screamed, “What am I doing? What am I doing? There is no balance! The darkness is winning! The darkness has won! I’m finally seeing the truth. I am giving up. I concede the battle. I can’t win. There is no balance! I am ending it!”

            “No,” the voice responded. “There is no balance. But what makes you think ending it will end the darkness? This world is not the end. Your darkness here may yet see a dawn, but the darkness you think you desire is so much worse and has no end.”

            “Then what? Then why?” She cried.

            “The reason there is no balance is because darkness cannot be balanced by light…the darkness will ultimately lose. You thought this day, this night is the tipping point of the world. The light decreases and the dark increases. But the darkness does not increase forever, for in just a few months, the light will increase once more and the dark diminish. In this world the cycle has repeated uncountable times and will continue to do so…for a while. For a day is coming when the light will reign victorious.”

            “So what!” Amanda spat. “So what! Good for the world. It does nothing for me!”

            “Ah, child. But it can. It can. All you see now is darkness. All you hear is the voice of despair. But you have heard another voice. Just listen.”

            A memory arose in Amanda’s thoughts. She was a girl again, sitting on the hassock by her father’s feet. The open book in his lap was large, with a worn, black, leather cover. Some of the pages were wrinkled and coming loose. Her father turned the leaves with care. His lovely baritone rumbled. “Listen, Mandy girl. Listen. This is what the very word of God says to you. ‘For God so loved the world…’ that means God so loved you… ‘that He gave his only begotten Son that whosoever…’ that means you… ‘believes on Him should not perish but have eternal life.’ There’s more. ‘The Light has come into the world but men loved the darkness more than the Light. For everyone who does evil hates the light and does not come to the light. But whoever loves the truth comes to the light.’” He turned a few more pages. “Jesus said, “I am the Light of the world Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life.’” A few more pages. “Jesus also said, ‘In this world you will have trouble. But take hope, for I have overcome the world.’”

            “Mandy girl, sometimes life will seem terribly dark. It will seem like the darkness is winning and you will be tempted to despair. Don’t. You must always remember, the light wins in the end. Any darkness you experience on this earth is temporary. Cling to the Light.”             Her father’s voice faded with the memory. She had been so young when he died, she had forgotten the strength of his faith. In the moment, Amanda knew that strong as it was, his faith was not enough to carry her now. This night was indeed a tipping point. But not into inevitable, unremitting darkness. In this moment, in this tipping point, Amanda chose the light.